Someone asked me today if I ever wanted to get married again.
The answer to that question is kind of complex.
Long enough to warrant this whole post. Lol
What I've wanted for a long time now, is a romantic relationship that feels like playful, opulent, freedom.
I recently wrote about the relationship I desire, like this:
It feels like independence.
It feels like freedom.
It feels like the absence of domestication.
It feels like self-sourcing.
It feels like lives together and lives apart.
It feels like many dwellings, here and there.
It feels like global movement.
It feels like yachts and jets and adventure.
It feels like fine dining and dancing.
It feels like surprise dates all over the world.
It feels like creativity.
It feels like cosmic gifts.
It feels like playful lovemaking.
It feels like infinite space and time.
It feels like come and go, ebb and flow.
It feels like divine magic.
It feels like lucidity.
I'm not sure about you, but I personally have not had many, if any, models of marriage exampled that look anything like what my musing above feels like to me.
The relationships I've primarily witnessed look more like a cocktail of labels, and parameters, and expectations, and pressure to satisfy one another, and sacrifice, and self-denial, and ownership of varying degrees, and "love" that quickly turns sour when the conditions of servitude are not met.
Sometimes the exampling of this is subtle and so ninja-like it's hardly detectable.. in other cases, it's glaringly obvious.
The concept of relating in this way is disturbing to me in and of itself, but what's even more bothersome is that this seems to be the acceptable spectrum of normal for romantic relating in our society, and even more so for marriage.
What I know for certain, is that the only thing a relationship in the dreamscape has the power to do is reflect back to me my deepest identities, paradigms, beliefs, and expectations.
Needless to say, as evidenced by my brilliant reflection of these paradigms appearing so real in my world, there are still large parts of me that believe I can't actually have the liberated love experience I truly desire.
In fact, my most recent romantic relationship experience showed me that I still have some pretty deep programming regarding some of these very limiting paradigms.
The good news is that I've reached a point in my evolutionary journey where I just simply am not willing to entertain any part of my self-created self that believes in old crusty paradigms involving trying to get anything I need from the illusory 'outside' world, or being separate from anything I desire.
I wrote about this recently in a post which I called 'the crone state' if you're interested in reading it, it's Shapeshifter Day 35.
I'm in the process of unpacking my old self and her ideas and expectations about romance, and I'm also fully committed to knowing, with full-time lucidity, my at-one-ment with divinity; the true source of all I'm wanting.
And so, to answer the question about marriage: I don't have the desire to be married in a 'traditional' way or have anything to do with what I see to be very old, outdated, antiquated models of romantic relationship.
I do have the desire, at some point, to have a lovership combined with deep spiritual friendship, based in a commitment of total freedom.
I'm honestly, quite anti-social and monogamous at heart, so the idea of entertaining multiple lovers sounds like the worst thing ever to me. lol
Paradoxically though, I desire the space within a lovership for us both to be able to explore and bravely say yes, yes, yes to any authentic desire that may arise.
I must have the space to be able to shift, and morph, and evolve, and change my mind, and turn-on-a-dime at any time.
This has become the foundation of authentic living for me.
It always has been, to be honest, I'm just finally acknowledging that truth and not shaming myself for my proclivity to rapid change, anymore.
As an extension, it simply has to be the foundation of any romance I might involve myself with as well.
One of the things I've come to know for sure, at least in my personal reality, is that self-denial is one of, if not the most, damaging act that I can possibly engage in.
This may seem like a bold statement, but I would even go so far as to say that it is THE cause of all depression, addiction, and disease... and any relationship with parameters that dictate when and how you can say yes to yourself, is just simply not healthy IMO.
All that being said, relationships, just like money, are amplifiers. They amplify what's already within. They make you more of what you already think you are.
My highest desire is to be in romantic relationship with another-self, the communion of which amplifies my limitless, abundant, sovereign, magical unconditionally loving god self...
as opposed to amplifying a limited self full of wounds, unworthiness, traumas, lack, and limitation.
My old paradigms of romance beautifully pulled up all that stuff for me to see, love and return, and that is what I'm doing on my own right now...
and also in the presence of the love and support of a ”new” long-distance friendship that is budding in the ashes of an old paradigm romance.
Whether that friendship bloom into the kind of foreverhood lovership founded in freedom I ultimately desire is yet to reveal itself.
If the iteration of a relationship that matches that desire should be realized, would I want an official ceremony and alternative marriage container?
At this time, I don't feel like I require it, but one thing I've learned about myself is that I'm forever evolving, forever changing and forever surprising the fuck out of myself.
All I do know at this moment is where my true powers of creation lie and where the source of all I desire dwells, and it has nothing to do with any illusion that the dreamscape might present.
I refuse to entertain any relationship with any physical world manifestation in a way that does anything less than abundantly support my full-time lucidity in the dream of life.
I choose to prioritize my remembrance of who I really am, become aware of my paradigms, choose again, and shapeshift from within.
The rest of my dream will follow suit,
even the romance.
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